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  BIGFOOTS IN PARADISE

  BIGFOOTS IN PARADISE

  stories

  Doug Lawson

  Red Hen Press | Pasadena, CA

  Bigfoots in Paradise

  Copyright © 2018 by Doug Lawson

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of both the publisher and the copyright owner.

  Book design by Hannah Moye

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Lawson, Doug, 1968–author

  Title: Bigfoots in paradise : stories / Doug Lawson.

  Description: First edition. | Pasadena, CA : Red Hen Press, [2018]

  Identifiers: Identifiers: LCCN 2018025334 | ISBN 9781597096928 (1-59709-692-X) |

  ISBN 9781597096836 (e)

  Classification: LCC PS3612.A9525 A6 2018 | DDC 813/.6—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018025334

  The National Endowment for the Arts, the Los Angeles County Arts Commission, the Ahmanson Foundation, the Dwight Stuart Youth Fund, the Max Factor Family Foundation, the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Foundation, the Pasadena Arts & Culture Commission and the City of Pasadena Cultural Affairs Division, the City of Los Angeles Department of Cultural Affairs, the Audrey & Sydney Irmas Charitable Foundation, the Kinder Morgan Foundation, the Allergan Foundation, the Riordan Foundation, and the Amazon Literary Partnership partially support Red Hen Press.

  First Edition

  Published by Red Hen Press

  www.redhen.org

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  The stories in this book have appeared previously in Gargoyle, Glimmer Train Stories, the Mississippi Review, New World Writing, and Passages North.

  “The Mushroom Hunter” won Glimmer Train’s Fiction Open competition and was cited as a 2014 Distinguished Story by the Best American Short Story Awards anthology.

  CONTENTS

  The Mushroom Hunter

  Catch the Air

  My Year Under the Dog Star

  The Night Witches

  House on Bear Mountain

  Jersey Devils

  The Beekeeper of Río Momón

  Bigfoots in Paradise

  THE MUSHROOM HUNTER

  I REMEMBER I grabbed the table first. Then I stood up and hung on to the swaying wall. I was thinking I should get into a doorway. I’d always heard a doorway would be better but hell, when it was swinging back and forth like that? The door flapping loose? I thought I could dive through it maybe. If I was closer. If I had good aim. Flat out onto the gravel. That would still be better than getting sandwiched by the second floor. Then I thought I should just get under the goddamn table, but by then it was over.

  “That was—” I said, catching my breath, “that was a big one.” I looked at Chundo across several spilled bags of mushrooms. My hair was standing on end, some sort of static charge. The hanging lights were swinging and flickering. Glasses had fallen off the shelf and smashed into those already in the dirty makeshift sink. A bookshelf came to rest. A radio that had been playing Love and Rockets lay broken on the floor.

  “That?” Chundo said with a smirk. He had a shaved head, the tattoo of a dragon looking up out of his shirt. With the tip of a knife, he picked up what I’d recognize now as a candy cap. “That was just a hiccup from God, Barn.”

  He was right. There would be similar quakes all up and down the mountains that year, leading to the big one. The ridge of the Santa Cruz Mountains would shake itself again and again, like a dog after a bath. I’d get used to it. Sand volcanoes would bloom in the dirt roads. Electric charges would leap from our fingertips. There would be days when we all had auras and halos, flickering turquoise and violet. Some nights my cot would sway so much I’d dream I was below decks on an old ship, but after a week of tremors I’d just roll over and keep snoring.

  A tattooed woman and a kid came in then. She was carrying another bag full of mushrooms. The kid was laughing and hooting, weaving back and forth like he was drunk. Sparks frizzled green across the hat he wore, a wide, homemade contraption that was all tinfoil and clothes hangers and ribbons, a half-collapsed, crash-landed blimp. His long hair crackled. The ends of it lifted out from under the hat, up toward the ceiling. The woman reached over and touched Chundo on the cheek, and a green spark cracked between them.

  “Shit, Laurel!” Chundo said, and jumped back.

  “Tag,” Laurel said. “You’re it. And watch your mouth.” She turned to look at me. “You are?” She had tired pale eyes and dyed red hair cut short, and she was wearing an old Smith’s T-shirt cut to show her flat stomach and the piercing in her navel. Grapevines in black and green ink climbed up her arms and encircled her throat.

  She was older than Chundo and I, somewhere in her early thirties. She took in my pink oxford shirt, the pressed creases in my jeans, the new sleeping bag rolled up by the door. When she turned back to Chundo, I saw Chinese lettering that I couldn’t read low on her back. She was Chundo’s usual type, except for the kid.

  “Barnaby,” I said. “Friend from high school.”

  She nodded over her shoulder, without looking at me. “Shit, Chundo,” she said. “Who else is next?”

  “Can I say that?” the kid said, studying the two of them. He turned to me. “Shit, Barnaby!” He had a big smile on his face, eyes jumping around to all of us. His hands fidgeted at the ends of his wrists, like they had somewhere else to go.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I said, glancing at Chundo, who rolled his eyes.

  “It’s another name for poop, Deke. Just say that.” Laurel frowned.

  “Poop, Barnaby!” He held out his hand.

  “Poop, Deke,” I said, shaking it carefully. He was no more than seven, and apparently some sort of terrible genius, I’d soon learn. In the light of the still-swinging lamps, his skin looked pale and luminous, the skin of a shining white ghost.

  “He’ll stay in the spare room,” Chundo said. “Give it a freaking break, Laurel, and get him a beer.”

  Still frowning, Laurel reached into a portable cooler and handed me a bottle. I thanked her, but it didn’t seem to help. Chundo opened her bag of mushrooms, poured them out on top of everything else on the table, and started sorting through them.

  “People pay you for these?” I said. “Really?”

  “Behold, the fruit of the mountains,” Chundo said, holding a mushroom aloft. Deke giggled. “Wait till you see the one we’re going for, the real prize. The One Mushroom to Rule Them All . . .”

  Laurel rolled her head to the side. She looked exhausted. “OK, I’m out,” she said to Chundo. “Keep a real eye on the beast this time, will you?”

  “By the beast, she means me,” said Deke.

  Chundo sighed.

  “Yes,” Laurel said, not particularly kindly. “By beast I mean you.” She lit a cigarette and walked out. She looked up at the sky and her shoulders relaxed.

  “Watch this,” Chundo said. He snapped his fingers at the kid like he would at a bartender. Deke grabbed a pair of welder’s goggles from the counter. He scampered onto a stool near the stove and then pulled them down over his eyes.

  “Ready!” he said to Chundo, giving him a thumbs-up.

  Chundo held up a mushroom. It was long, white, and shaggy, like a beard.

  Deke leaned in close, studying it. “Hericium erinaceus,” he said, pronouncing it carefully. “Lion’s mane.”

  “Not a Hydnum?”

  Deke made a face. “Definitely not. It doesn’t look anything like a Hydnum!”

  “Good thing,” Chundo said, nodding. “They taste like shit.”

  “Taste like shit,” Deke repeated, nodding firmly.<
br />
  Chundo held up a large orange one.

  Deke rolled his head and sighed. “Chanterelle, of course,” he said. “Cantharellus cibarius.”

  Chundo held up another. He made it disappear and then reappear from behind Deke’s ear.

  “Porcini.” Deke grinned.

  “What’s the Latin?”

  Deke sat up straighter. “Boletus edulis.”

  “Don’t you mean edulatis?”

  Deke frowned. “No such thing.”

  “No such thing. No such thing,” Chundo mocked. “You know what being smart will get you, little beast? A mortgage. A day job. You got to dumb it down a little, mister. And lose the fucking hat.”

  Deke nodded seriously. “Dumb it down.” But he put one hand on the brim of the hat.

  Chundo snapped his fingers again. “OK, kid, get lost.”

  Deke climbed off the stool, but hovered closely while Chundo cooked. I did, too. For all his flaws, Chundo had always been a great chef. He diced the chanterelles and put them in a flat pan without anything else. He turned on the propane, lit the camp stove with a match, and water appeared from the mushrooms like magic, bubbling and hissing.

  “Sweating them brings out the flavor,” Deke whispered to me. “The water gets steamed out and all the stuff gets more concentrated.” I couldn’t see his eyes behind the goggles. In another pan, Chundo added wine, butter, garlic, cream. “The fats will add more flavor too, right, Chundo? Right, Chundo? So will the garlic.”

  Chundo didn’t answer, but mouthed the kid’s words back to me silently, mockingly, over the kid’s head. “Deke, I said get bent.”

  Deke kept watching the pan. When the water had evaporated from the mushrooms, Chundo poured them into the wine mixture. He stirred it with a wooden spoon, and then grudgingly let Deke taste it. Deke nodded. Chundo added some black pepper and tossed the whole thing over spaghetti that had been draining in the jury-rigged sink. He poured it out onto two plates, clearing space on the table by pushing more mushrooms out of the way.

  Chundo and I sat down. I looked at the kid. “Do you eat?”

  “I eat,” Deke said, in a fast whisper. “I eat mushrooms and noodles. I eat tofu but not tempeh, and fish if it’s not halibut or smelt or Atlantic salmon, though the Pacific salmon is mostly OK because there’s not as much fat in it. I do not eat lima beans or French fries or potato chips or cheese puffs.”

  “He’ll eat later with his mom,” Chundo said.

  “Are you hungry?”

  Deke pulled off the goggles and stared at my plate. “Kinda.”

  Chundo sighed loudly, but I cleared a spot next to me and poured a bunch from my plate into an empty bowl from the counter. Without a word, Deke climbed into a chair and dug in.

  Hesitantly, I did too. They were my first real mushrooms outside of a can and they were pretty good. Rich, nutty, and firm, they concentrated the flavors of earth and tree the way oysters concentrate the flavors of sea.

  After wolfing down the bowl, Deke broke out into hiccups. Chundo threw down his fork, exasperated, and pointed at the door. Deke slid out of the chair and headed out, head down. But on the way to the door he let out a particularly large gulp of air, and at the same time the ground shook again under our feet, a tiny tremor. Deke turned back to us, his hat on crooked and his eyes big as plates, his mouth a big O.

  It was all of it. The craziness of the quakes, the crazy sparks, the strangeness of seeing Chundo again after so long. All the mushrooms everywhere, and the smells of dirt and garlic, eucalyptus and lavender and beer. The idea of Deke, of crazy Chundo with a kid. What was I thinking?

  I laughed, choked on a piece of chanterelle, and snorted cream out of my nose. I spluttered and couldn’t stop myself, even under Chundo’s measuring, ironic eye.

  Deke eyed us warily from the doorway. Then he claimed a goofy bow and darted out into the night.

  I’m not sure what made me think I could save Chundo from himself. It hadn’t worked before. Chundo and I had been friends as boys in New Jersey, had hated each other in middle school, and then in high school we’d joined forces again and for a while we’d been inseparable. Unlike me, he’d been a brilliant student of physics, and several of our teachers thought he was headed straight to Stanford or Princeton, and from there to publication and teaching and tenure.

  But I knew Chundo was too rough and tumble, too self-destructive for academia. He started up a band, the Whirling Pervishes, just before he dropped out, and they actually opened a few times for Phish and Robyn Hitchcock before they imploded. Their brilliant lyrics, the crazy, intricate harmonies: that was all Chundo.

  We were a strange pair—I was the fat kid from the suburbs with Izod shirts and loafers. He was the wiry punk rocker, taking life by the throat and shaking it. I idolized him. And it worked, for a while. I followed Chundo from club to club. I bought drinks for everyone and, worse, made sure everyone had a good time. I paid for everything, at every club. When the last band broke up, I still tagged along dutifully with Chundo from girlfriend to girlfriend.

  Finally, after his parents kicked him out, then his uncle, and then his sister, Chundo moved into our spare room. He spent time watching TV, eating our food, and having loud sex with a steady stream of tattooed girls in the afternoons.

  My dad had never liked him, and when he found out that Chundo had pulled a knife on me when both of us were drunk, cutting me a little just under the ear, it was the last straw. Chundo was out on the street. I went to therapy.

  Then, years later, I see his name on a poster in Santa Cruz. I think about it for a while. Despite my better judgment I call the club, and they give me his number. We get a beer. He’s calmed down, he says, after some really bad years in Hoboken. The West Coast has been good for him. He apologizes for taking advantage of my dad and especially me. He’s hunting mushrooms, he says, and selling them to high-end restaurants in Berkeley and Pebble Beach. Not a lot of money, but between that and the occasional gig as a studio musician it’s enough to get by, he says unconvincingly.

  Some nights, he says, he’ll set up his guitar and amp on a ridge. He’ll turn the volume up as high as it can go and sing old Johnny Cash and Hank Williams to the whole of Monterey Bay, which spreads out before him flat and silver and glowing with the captured light of the moon.

  “Barnaby,” he says, “you’ve got to let me show you. These mountains are God’s country. There’s no other place like it in the world.”

  He looks older than he should, ragged around the edges, but the spark is still there. He asks if I want to come join him for a while. He’s on the trail of this rare mushroom, one that should bring in a lot of money. I should come along, like old times.

  And then he asks if I’m going to pick up the check.

  Despite that, the contagious enthusiasm is still impossible for me to resist, though I should have known better. It’s the late summer of 1989. I’m twenty-seven and single again. Unlike the smarter guys who are designing circuit boards, getting machines to talk to each other, and starting companies, I’m living in my dad’s California basement, doing occasional consulting work.

  So I pack up the BMW with a sleeping bag and the new Mac Plus and cruise slowly up Highway 17. From the summit, I drive a succession of smaller dirt roads, through redwoods and scotch broom and brush until the hills swallow me.

  “It’s a variant of the Amanita, Barnaby. Extremely rare. Extremely valuable,” Chundo explained. He exhaled and passed me the hand-rolled cigarette with an expansive gesture, though I’d paid for the all-natural tobacco and the papers, too.

  The smoke spiraled up through the branches of the redwoods. It was night. Late spring. I’d been there a week or two. The air was dry and tasted of eucalyptus and salt. There was no moon, really, but from where we sat out on the ridge you could see down the long hills to the lights of Santa Cruz and Watsonville, there on the water. The power plant in Moss Landing flashed its red lights. Out on the water, fishing boats shone spotlights across the surface to call up
the squid. Deke was finally asleep in a sleeping bag on my lap—we’d hit it off when I showed him the games on the shiny new Mac.

  “The beautifully elusive Amanita ostriatus, my friends,” Chundo continued. “Imagine, brilliant green all over, all the way from the volva to the tip of the cap, not just the normal plain brown or pale yellow of your average Amanitas. A doctor in Oregon found a fruiting once, and he said it glowed brightly enough he could see it from ten feet away.”

  “Here?” Laurel asked, her pale eyebrows going up. “He found it down here?”

  Chundo nodded. “Down here. Up here. They were deep in a grove of madrone, up on the side of a ridge facing the sea. He said the fruiting stretched for a square mile.” He spread his hands. “Imagine, a fruiting bigger than you could see the ends of!”

  “Like Amanita from Maaars,” I said sagely, nodding like I knew what I was talking about. “Maartian Amaniiita,” I pronounced, in my mock California surfer-dude voice. The wind caught the smoke and wrapped it around my face like a surgeon’s mask.

  Laurel said, “Are they edible?”

  “Absolutely,” Chundo said. “They’re supposed to have the best flavor of all the Amanitas. Like Irish butter. This doctor even claimed the tea he made from the caps and stems cured his daughter’s fever.”

  I snorted. Voice deep, like a movie trailer voice-over, I said: “Some say that it could even raise the dead.”

  Laurel frowned. Chundo laughed. I looked up. The moon was a thin fingernail of fire. The stars spun in tiny circles.

  “Get this,” Chundo said, “no one really believes it exists. But we are going to prove them wrong! And I’m betting Chez Panisse will be willing to make it worth our time if we do. Nepenthe, too.”

  “We are?” It was clear from Laurel’s tone this was the first she’d heard of this. “I didn’t think restaurants were brave enough to serve Amanitas.”